How To

Last week we got our condo complex newsletter. Normally we skim over the two pages, take note of what you can be fined for and how much, and then pledge to keep an eye on any neighbors who are not following the rules (we really don't turn people in. To each his own, and let someone else get the neighbors in trouble!) This time, however, we read the newsletter thoroughly. There were a few odd things that caught my eye:

1) Please don't use your garbage disposals. Put your food in the garbage. Above all, do not put rice down the sink. (duh! If we can't throw rice at weddings because it kills the birds, then of course it will kill the sink! Also, if you don't want us having garbage disposals, why in the HECK did you put them in the units to begin with?!)

2) If you have wood floors, try not to walk on them. They are loud for the people below you. (So does this mean I can't use my kitchen? Or my dining area? How about you just say that we should just sit still at all times and magically transport ourselves to the other rooms of the house? Why should I even care? The people downstairs already hate us. I'm sure they couldn't possibly hate us anymore than they already do.)

3) You can do some minor car repair work in the parking lot, but we will decide what is too much and if you should get fined or not. (So, does this mean I can or cannot change my spark plugs? What if my car doesn't start because my spark plugs are broken? Are you going to get mad at me for popping my hood and staring inquisitively under it? Does that count as a repair? And have you been fining the people in units 85 and 86 for ripping their TRANSMISSIONS apart in the parking lot and leaving them there all day?)

4) Charcoal BBQs are not allowed. If you have one, please get rid of it. (We don't have one, but what if we did, and there wasn't any room in the storage closet to store it? Does that mean we would have to throw it away? Isn't that like, a waste a money, and something that should probably be avoided? And how come the people downstairs get to keep their charcoal BBQ?)

5) Your balconies are not to be used for storage. Please make sure everything is kept neat and clean, and there are no boxes or clutter on them. (So, what constitutes storage? Does this mean that the people in the next building over who store all of their kids' toys on their balcony have to find a new home for all that crap? What about our building rep's apartment? They have coolers on their balcony! Does that count for storage? I have an empty flower pot. Are you going to fine me because it is winter and my flowers are dead?)

The one that got me the most, though, was the wood floor one. Seriously, avoid walking on your wood floors? Hmm...yeah, okay.... in light of this, I have come up with a tutorial.

How to get your 2 year old to walk softly on the wood floor so as not to piss off your neighbors (the downstairs ones, as the next door ones slam their cupboards late at night and probably wouldn't care how much noise we made since they seem to always be partying anyways....stupid blender and margaritas on Thanksgiving at 1 AM!)

1. Intice the 2 year old into a game of peekaboo. Or, in our family, "Where are you?"

2. Play several rounds with your hands.

3. Start hiding under the quilt and see if he can find you.

4. Throw the quilt over his head and tell him to look for Mommy, who happens to be standing in the kitchen.

5. Try not to laugh too hard as he shuffles slowly and quietly into the kitchen looking for Mommy saying: "Mommy! Where are you?!" right before he runs into the dishwasher.

6. Take the blanket off and say "Here I am!"

7. Repeat until he tires of the game. Or until you tire of the game. Usually it's the latter.